Finding Beauty

            Look in the mirror (full-length if possible), and tell me what you see. Describe yourself out loud. And be honest with yourself about what you see. Dove is doing something like this right now. Asking ordinary women to describe themselves to an artist. Each participant describes both themselves and another participant, so at the end there are two sketches of each woman. Most often, the women describe themselves in a slightly more negative light than the stranger does. Why? Why don’t we feel beautiful on our own? And why do we need someone else to validate our beauty?

            Beauty scares me. As a woman with a very visible, physical disability, I sometimes find it hard to feel beautiful. Sitting down 100% of the time, my body looks all scrunched together. Any curves that I possess (and I’m certain I have a lot!) become nothing more than little fat rolls. Full-length mirrors are extremely good at pointing these out. And yet, I can’t help but look into them. I search myself. I recognize my imperfections… my slight lean to the left… my slightly too large calves… and that vital fashion accessory- my wheelchair. If I stare too long at these “flaws”, I feel discouraged. Never ugly, but somehow less than beautiful.

From my own personal experience, it can be hard to feel beautiful in a room with women able to flaunt their height, legs, slim figure, etc. Most of these go unnoticed on me. But these moments in which I mourn the figure I will never flaunt pass quickly. In recognizing them, I recognize that I’m only human.  I take the time required to let such feelings pass. Then I look in the mirror again. And I see someone entirely different. I see a woman proud of her accomplishments and the goals she has set. I see the confident woman in a wheelchair that wants to change the world. That’s when my beauty shines; because I stop looking at what society sees and start looking at what I truly see in myself.

Society has spent so long showing us a certain type of beautiful, that the average person can’t possibly live up to. And why should we? I’ve learned over the years that beauty can’t come from what others see. It has to be something you see in yourself. So, I’ve asked a few friends to send me photos of when they feel most beautiful. These pictures show beautiful, strong women. Not because they are 5’9” with slender super model legs, but because they are confident. And it shows.

Natasha Santiago: Professional photo shoot called Divas on Wheels

Heather Kerstetter (on the right): "Nothing is the world makes me feel more beautiful than sharing my heart with an audience."

Kristen Dellinger: "I feel really really pretty in this picture. And not just because I can angle my phone's camera the right way to hide my double chin. But because I took that right after I did my makeup...all by myself. I hadn't ever been able to do it myself. But that day my mom and I got creative and made it work. I have a mobile arm support whose purpose is to hold my arm up. Well it worked, and I managed to moisturize my face by myself, and put on foundation, blush, mascara, and tinted lip balm. I felt so proud of myself, and I was happy to show it off… I relate a lot to this topic because I've always struggled with beauty and feeling pretty since I felt my wheelchair and atrophied body took away from conventional prettiness. When I can do my makeup by myself I feel like I've accomplished prettiness by myself, and the way that I want to do it."

Michelle Weger Harris: “For my entire life, I have NEVER thought I was beautiful. I hid my body. I hid my sexuality. I was terrified of being naked and vulnerable. It didn't stop me from being a woman and taking lovers though. But as I got older, it did. A very close and very talented friend of mine convinced me to let him do this portrait of me 3 years ago. It hangs on my bedroom wall. And even though my sex life is still a thing of the past, every time I look at this I realize that I AM beautiful. Still.”